Absolute Clownshoes

f uckin Rant.  I’m sick. Been sick since like last Wednesday night. Migraine. Auras. Just tons of ouch.  Then trying to find baseline and the respiratory shit kicked in - RSV? Covid? - so a dry raspy unproductive shit of a cough (still), some cognitive impairment, basic lethargy. Night sweats - bedding laundered 3x in 5 days - my eyes are intermittently watering, I’ve had sneezing fits, smell and taste may be shot it’s hard to tell.  Roommate got it too. (Sorry) Today I’m down at Hannaford with her flex card trying to buy Sudafed. Okay. I get that it’s used for the manufacture of meth - I’m a fucking SUD therapist - so when I’m asked for my ID I sigh a little because I’m tired of being alive right now.  15 minutes later when she’s manually entered the data from my ID and the Sudafed box maybe a dozen times and she says “I can’t sell this to you” I absofuckinglutely felt triggered by the line of folks standing behind me who now can interpret this refusal of a sale by ...

 TW: fire  My first memory of my father is from the time he almost killed us in a fire.  He held a parsonage in Woodstock, Connecticut, for maybe a couple of years - I was really too young to know and I sure can’t ask my mother for clarity anymore - but 1979 is the year in question.  I was just over 3 and my sister was an infant. I’ve come to understand “flashbulb memories“ indicated by such an intense impression on our psyche as to sear an image of said experience, and I suppose this is one of those.  It wasn’t intentional - my first memory of my father isn’t one of him committing arson as is legally defined - but I don’t know if I was able to parse out intent until my teen years; and I sure haven’t addressed this one in therapy. We were in the kitchen, huddled around the table… I can still see that table and the kitchen counter in the haze of my mind. It seemed a massive kitchen by today‘s standards in an old farmhouse. The oil lantern which was supplying all ...

We've been playing with a rather complex analogy which I believe Alexis can claim as his own, but I want to take this opportunity to build on it with my own experiences and understandings, of self and of truth. As I understand it, and there may well be something lost in translation (often something is lost, but it's ultimately a trade as the new permutation speaks to evolution), this analogy is about a person on a swing and how the effort to engage that swing is like the effort to be aware . When a person first sits upon a swing, and seeks to encourage movement, they must adjust their center mass. Mass forward equals forward movement which starts with just a rocking, and then as momentum is earned, and the oscillation switches to a pumping action and this, when synchronized with the swaying of the swing propelled by gravity, allows one to articulate along the arc as per the verb. Swing. This initial energy, difficult and fraught with syncopation, is akin to becoming aware. The ...

Dharma has been... well, enlightening.  I recently was encouraged (by multiple sources employing different mediums) to "PAY ATTENTION TO FLEETING THOUGHTS."  The most recent of these messages was delivered verbally by one Alexis Santos, whom I joined a sanga  to meet and am now just absorbing as much wisdom from as I am able to tenuously hold onto. I was issued this gentle suggestion on Sunday and on Monday afternoon, I was afforded the opportunity to notice one of these fleeting thoughts, so I put a rivet through it. As I was getting into my Forester to drive to the second day of the retreat, after having worked mostly from home in the confines of my glamorous bedroom come office come improvised gym come improvised yoga studio come changing room come storage closet come dry bathroom vanity come dinner nook come... maybe you get my drift: I rent a room and that's where I spend a more than ample amount of time.  I'd love to just blame the disparity of generational wea...

  Here is Larry's story, sans paywall Larry David: My Dinner With Adolf By Larry David Mr. David is a comedian and writer who created “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and was a co-creator of “Seinfeld.” Imagine my surprise when in the spring of 1939 a letter arrived at my house inviting me to dinner at the Old Chancellery with the world’s most reviled man, Adolf Hitler. I had been a vocal critic of his on the radio from the beginning, pretty much predicting everything he was going to do on the road to dictatorship. No one I knew encouraged me to go. “He’s Hitler. He’s a monster.” But eventually I concluded that hate gets us nowhere. I knew I couldn’t change his views, but we need to talk to the other side — even if it has invaded and annexed other countries and committed unspeakable crimes against humanity. Two weeks later, I found myself on the front steps of the Old Chancellery and was led into an opulent living room, where a few of the Führer’s most vocal supporters had gathered: Himmler,...

Checked in to Eldorado casino hotel at the Row in Reno. Prepaid $110 through reservations dot kahm thought inclusive. Wasn’t so. Neglected to read fine print so they served up a $40 resort charge on top. My bad I didn’t read and I booked it from playa via phone on Starlink at the 11th hour. Was gonna eat it.  Bathroom lightbulb was busted - turned it on and it was strobing, so I put my hat back on and my glo-vest and danced a little jig before calling the desk and asking a non-seizure bulb be installed. No problemo Doctor Teeth bulb en route. Cool. Ok TV time - haven’t seen this manner of screen in nigh a fortnight - perplexed when the only buttons working on the remote were the channel up and volume down.  Ok. Call #2 to the desk can I get a matching remote to the TV? (I’ve worked in hotels before and when hardware gets upgraded or replaced it’s far from an ideal system resulting in mismatched equipment as a common gripe received from guests - universal remotes are the standa...