Rant

f uckin Rant. 


I’m sick. Been sick since like last Wednesday night.


Migraine. Auras. Just tons of ouch. 


Then trying to find baseline and the respiratory shit kicked in - RSV? Covid? - so a dry raspy unproductive shit of a cough (still), some cognitive impairment, basic lethargy. Night sweats - bedding laundered 3x in 5 days - my eyes are intermittently watering, I’ve had sneezing fits, smell and taste may be shot it’s hard to tell. 


Roommate got it too. (Sorry)


Today I’m down at Hannaford with her flex card trying to buy Sudafed.


Okay. I get that it’s used for the manufacture of meth - I’m a fucking SUD therapist - so when I’m asked for my ID I sigh a little because I’m tired of being alive right now. 


15 minutes later when she’s manually entered the data from my ID and the Sudafed box maybe a dozen times and she says “I can’t sell this to you” I absofuckinglutely felt triggered by the line of folks standing behind me who now can interpret this refusal of a sale by identifying me as a fucking drug-seeker or whatever the current fucking nomenclature is. 


Hannaford couldn’t complete the sale because loading the product was above her pay grade and let’s face it: Hannaford has fallen on some shit times too as indicated by pricing and quality of goods - but I felt like it was my fault. 


Like I was a criminal again. 


Like I needed to lie to get my meds. 


Being sick is a hell of a thing. 


So is a life of fucking trauma and recovery.


I went to CVS and here the procedure was less triggering but I still had to bite my swollen tongue. 


Wonder how many lives we’re saving with the needed ID for a one time Sudafed purchase? 


Also I just found out that one of my clients died today. 


So I’m gonna take some Sudafed, maybe some gabapentin, some ibuprofen and acetaminophen and close my eyes til I have to work in the morning.


I am trying. I really am. 

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