A Real Shit Show

I'm 45. I thought I was 41 for two years and that set me back a bit but I've run the numbers and unless we are sliding into a singularity, time should be holding up putting me looking down the barrels of year 46 come September.

So. It's time for the butt stuff... no, not anal play, I'm talking colonoscopy. 

MyChart gave me a one-click option to schedule what seems to be a $300 out-of-pocket visit during which we discussed my health (more focused on my mental health tbh) and I was presented with two options going forward with my behind.

Option One: schedule a colonoscopy with Maine Gastro.

Option Two: take a poop envelope home and supply a sample (brain registers this as a poo-velope, snickers ensue).

Not rocket science here. Quite the opposite, thank God. Not a ton of fun, but not that much of a big deal... they supply a biodegradable sheet of paper for you to set in the toilet bowl and void upon, as well as a plastic receptacle with a removable stick to swab (and "completely cover") in your feces. So. 

Paper down, check, bowel movement, check, now wait - if I wipe I have dirty shit-paper and nowhere to really put it unless I want to make the sample-retrieval a two-handed job. So CLENCH. ... yeah it wasn't exactly a ton of excitement but it was more excrement than excruciating.

Sealed up the sample in the envelope - came with a biohazard bag and an absorbent napkin in case the poo gets loose - and put the sealed poovelope in my mailbox. The shape of the rigid cardboard and size of the parcel prevented the mailbox from closing so I went ahead and ASSumed that the postal folks might do the second part of their fucking job and collect the outbound mail, but that's a tall order in the days when we're lucky to see mail four times a week.

Hard to find help, I suppose.

That was Thursday. 

Today (Tuesday), we did receive mail and it was early at like 10:30 - so when the postal delivery person neglected. Again. To retrieve the sample which I had so painstakingly collected (POO RELAY!), I got in my fucking car and drove around the neighborhood.

Found him two blocks away - with the obligatory airbuds in (Hey, I wear them too) - so I was relieved when he saw my wave and approached my car.

I rolled down the passenger window and handed him the envelope- "You missed this in outbound on Myrtle, do you mind?"

He accepted my poovelope in hand with a smile and told me to have a great day.

"You too, buddy. Been holding this shit for you since Thursday."